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i really wanted this to be about doing things – something – anything.  keeping busy keeps me sane.

except that i havent really felt like doing anything.  the last time i was pregnant was 10 years ago.  not only have i significantly less energy this time around i also seem to have acquired things like “responsibilities” and “obligations” which seem to take up more time than i remember or maybe it just seems that way when you routinely fall asleep at 9:00 every night.  everything else just kinda gets pushed aside.

anyway.  this doesnt matter anymore since im on bedrest now.  i have all the time in the world… (ok the next 3 weeks) do really soak in some doing nothing.  obligations – such as work, grocery shopping, making dinner, tending the garden: gone.  my world is literally my bed.  the couch.  the bathroom.

and it fucking sucks. Continue Reading »

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I mean aside from my own personal just kinda being tired and lazy but the weather is seeming to egg on my do-nothingness and who am i to argue with the weather.

i was in line at the grocery store today and the guy in front of me asked the cashier what the deal with all the clouds and rain was (he wasnt from here and wondered if this is a typical spring and summer for us).  i couldnt stop myself from snorting.  I should probably keep track – I *want* to say there are more nice years than not but it’s probably split 50/50.

We have the good years that are warm and sunny and clear beginning in may and are just beautiful and make our relentlessly grey pacific northwest winters bearable.

Then we have these years where its 60 and drizzling every day through the 4th of July and everyone just wants to die. Continue Reading »

excuses excuses

i haven’t been writing mostly because ive been feeling like shit mostly because ive found out i was pregnant but i didnt want to say anything because i hadnt really told anyone yet but then my mom came to visit and i realized she never even looks at this thing even though she knows about it so i can talk about whatever i want here and so i could have just stayed in the routine except for that whole feeling like shit thing i just mentioned which really has been terrible.

as of today i am/we are at 11 weeks as of TODAY (i drafted this post a while ago) I am at 15 weeks and i think most of the exhaustion and nausea have finally fallen away (for real). which is good because i got eggs to color and maybe some hot cross buns to make (just because they look delish) (they werent THAT great).  also we just did a cheapie re-do on the upstairs bathroom and i need to go to ikea and get some kind of shelf and maybe one of those little rolling trays for my kitchen garbage can that they are ALWAYS OUT OF (we repurposed a dresser and they were still out of the rolling trash thing ugh).

This weekend (just to make it a real update) I have to make a cheshire cat costume for a parade.  m kinda terrified of that.

animal pictures

because why the heck not.

Lang:

princess!

lang and smeagol

Smeagol:

shameless

bad hair day

Eleanor:

eleanor plots to take over the world

chair: ur doin it wrong

snuggle buddiezzz:

when elli was just a kitten

mr and mrs santa

break-time is over

i started this blog as a form of super cheap therapy. i figured that if i were obligated to check in once or twice a week with something ANYTHING then i could stay… if not sane then at least focused. on something. other then naval gazing and negative thinking and giving myself over to entropy that is.

welp i took a little break to indulge myself being that the dog was sick and i was sad and then suddenly i was also sick and then the dog got feeling better but i was stuck on “wallow” because of that damned inertia and lookit that i’ve not checked in in a while. so lets remedy this.

Update #1: Lang-dog is doing great tymv

So sometime last weekend i think (i dont remember) his nose stopped bleeding and while that may be a bad sign in the long run it was the one thing holding him back from regular old, ‘in your face’, borderline annoying lang so I think he can now be considered “good as new”.

Except for the room clearing gas he’s developed either because of the meds or the super calorie dense food we’ve got him on to try to gain back his weight.  it’s seriously the most obnoxious stuff ever made even MORE disconcerting by the fact that from a few rooms away it smells like someone’s heating up leftover beef stew. 😐

Update #2: Cooking stuff

I made granola yesterday.  It’s freaking good and hella cheap.  Then I made the mistake of looking up some nutritional information and about crapped myself.

It’s still good.

Update #3: Growing stuff

My arugula is coming up as are my peas.  in your FACE doubters who said i couldnt plant anything in february!  I don’t know that anyone actually sais that but I know for sure that I was thinking it.

Because I am always pushing my luck today I planted some chard and broccoli and spinach.

Also I found out the lovely flowering thing in my backyard is a flowering quince.

Also Also i found im growing something else but im going to wait till my mom comes to visit to talk about it EVEN THOUGH im pretty sure my mom doesnt read my blog anyway EVEN THOUGH i have sent her the link and i know shes not got anything better to do now that shes retired (this is a trap).

Update #4: Miscellaney

final fantasy XIII comes out on tuesday im pretending i dont even care but i know i am going to the game store that afternoon aaaaand i hate myself for that just a little bit.

i’ve been putting off writing this for a long time but i feel like i should get it done so its out there so i can think about other stuff like taking care of day to day shit.  which to be honest is really getting hard since im pretty depressed about this whole thing which is to be expected i guess but its weird how it just sorta hit me all the sudden the other day that: hey yeah thats weird how ive been sleeping all the time and eating nothing but garbage and cant stay interested in anything at all so i sit and stare at reddit or message boards all day and wasnt i doing better than this just a few weeks ago??

Lang’s got cancer.  we got the biopsy results a week ago and its malignant.  i dont remember what the vet called the kind of tumor he has but its supposedly really aggressive and the prognosis (while variable) is about 3 months.  The outlook for dogs with nosebleeds is generally worse.  We might be able to buy another month or so and keep him comfortable with a chemotherapy drug and an anti-inflammatory but she said when they go downhill it goes really fast.  Chad’s been reading that there are dogs that live with this for years.  he’s researching all kinds of herbal remedies and calling about different possible medications.  we’ll see.

i think the worst most unfair part of all of this is that otherwise… other than horrible thing growing in his head that will eventually kill him (indirectly since it will almost certainly fall to me to kill him first)… otherwise he is in perfect health.  except for the nosebleed.  which stopped after the surgery but started again last weekend.

So the rugs are up again and i have found this miracle spray that removes blood from everything (i swear to god this stuff is like magic) and we got a couple baby gates to keep him contained in about half the house and now checking for blood and cleaning it up and not getting dressed for work until the exact second you walk out the door has become part of our new “normal” routine around here.

Which i know is weird.  i was telling all this to my hair cutting guy and he was just like: omg why don’t you just put him to sleep?

we had friends over last night for dinner last night and they were horrified by the blood and constant cleaning.  they didnt say anything but they looked SO uncomfortable and poor Lang was so excited to see them but we couldnt let him out of the part of the house we sectioned off and he bled everywhere and gosh even when they left through the back door they saw the whole patio out there literally looks like someone was ambushed and had their throat cut (the meter guy is probably going to call the cops on us) and seeing it through someone else’s eyes just made me think oh god oh god please i hope we are doing the right thing.

but i couldnt i can’t put him to sleep right now knowing that otherwise he is a healthy happy guy who loves treats and walks and laying on the couch and taking eva to school and playing ball in the backyard and begging for scraps when i chop veggies.  when he doesnt like those things anymore then we can talk.  the vet said that eventually the tumor will grow to the point that it will constrict the nasal cavity and the nosebleeds will stop.  i dont even know what to do with that information or how to feel about that.

in the meantime its just a little blood.

This week:

we also have girlscouts and gymnastics and WALKING WITH THE FREAKING DINOSAURS tomorrow so there’ll probably be a few leftover and beenie-weenie nights for quick easy can we please just go one night without anyone complaining about how they dont really like what i cooked.

I’ve been taking leftovers for lunch (or just being lazy and going to the cafeteria) but its too much heavy food and starting to make me feel like poo so I’m going back to my favorite: fake bento.  which is pretty much just a bunch of snacks crammed in a box.  I have adorable bento boxes that I’ve been collecting over the years but i’ve found that a good leakproof sandwich container works great – especially if you use little silicone cupcake liners to separate out the contents.

I try to have one thing from each category plus one more fruit and/or veggie and pack the box FULL:

  • Protein: nuts, hard boiled egg, nut butter, cottage cheese, cheese cubes or a babybel, yogurt
  • Fruit: 1/2 of an apple, pear, or orange; grapes, berries, dates, etc
  • Veggiescarrots, celery, cherry tomatoes, edamame, broccoli, leftovers (greens/asparagus/etc)
  • Grainsrice balls, whole wheat or wasa crackers, sesame sticks, granola maybe?

It doesn’t look like a huge amount of food, but it is filling and satisfying and probably good for you?  Better than chicken fingers, french fries, and a cup of brown gravy to dip everything in which was an actual lunch i had last week (-_-;).  ALSO you can snack on stuff all day and don’t have to feel guilty about breaking into your lunch at 10:30 if you want because youre just going to grab a teeny bite.   i’ve tried to take pictures of my fake bentos before but the morning light is crap right now so id basically be taking pictures in the dark.  maybe ill give it another shot tho.